i would give anything to meet a girl who likes the same things that i do. never gonna happen in this fucking town. guess i’ll be stuck politely grinning while you play the newest in pop country and i’ll listen to jawbreaker in my car or with earbuds in so you won’t hear. i hate that this is how things always are. surely they can’t all be taken…
no fucking luck
ever
i wish i could figure out why i feel so lonely all the time. i guess i’m just not really comfortable opening up to any of the people here. i’m so used to being completely transparent with my friends at home. it kills me to keep so much bottled up. i feel like i have so little in common with the people here. i guess i will just have to deal with it. i guess i knew what i was getting into when i moved to a tiny town in south carolina. it sure would be nice if you returned my calls…
love is just like god. only those who seek it can see it. to everyone else it is the most offensive lie.
everyone tries to make me feel bad for being negative all the time. this world is the worst place i’ve ever lived. i’ll be miserable about it if i want to. i can’t just accept that this fucked up life is what i’ve been born into so it must be natural to love it. i guess people are happier with their eyes closed and their heads buried in a bible.
i’ve been spending a lot of time by myself lately. it’s very trying at times. however, it does give me chances to reflect on things. i’m glad i decided to leave johnson city. i’m pretty sure another year there would have killed me. i miss my friends so fucking much though. i miss our inside jokes, talking about obscure bands, and obscene hand gestures. i’ve been feeling pretty blasphemous lately. i guess that comes with the territory. i’ve been consuming all the music i can get my hands on. it’s a good feeling to listen to all these cds i downloaded months ago. of course, there are many bands i wish i hadn’t slept on. i’m trying not to let that happens.
which brings me to my next point…
there are moments where i wish i had the guts to take time off from school and throw myself into music fulltime. i know this is a stupid pipedream but the idea of living in a van and playing a show every night still holds some sort of mystique for me. maybe someday there will be time for this, but with every passing day, it seems more unlikely. i guess that sort of life will never be mine and to maintain delusions otherwise would be posing. i have so many expectations weighing down on me and i don’t want to disappoint anyone. i just hope that i can make you proud. even if it means grinning and bearing through hours of uncomfortable small talk and biting my tongue till it’s bleeding, i’ll try.
coming home empty handed would be the worst failure right now.
irony is dead
xxx
to be young is to be constantly confused, instantly enamored, compulsive, foolish, pensive, idealistic, innocent, angry, flighty, overjoyed, tired, honest, fascinated, and one million other emotions that i could never capture in words. i love the way i feel when i think about the fact that i’m living the prime of my life. these are my glory days. someday, i will tell people about all the things that i am seeing now when i am old and lying in bed, i will reminisce about the boundless energy i had once. i have no regrets so far. there is so much more to experience. i’m excited to grow up without selling out. i will always strive to be young til i die. i know that someday the things i hold so dear will seem contrived and trivial. that doesn’t concern me. every moment to me is crucial and i don’t want to forget a single word. i give of myself too easily, but i still can’t be an asshole. i guess i never learned the coarse words it would take to break them down. i make myself so disposable. if you don’t want me, then i don’t need you.
i want to get some correspondence going. mail me a letter, zines, mixtape, anything!
Matthew Zumwalt
Wofford College
PO Box 79
429 N Church St.
Spartanburg, SC 29303
i am honestly convinced that people would be so much happier if they didn’t look for love in every relationship. isn’t it enough to have fun and find companionship?
love is just a word that people use to describe dependence, and that’s something i don’t need.
why can’t you ever just let yourself step back and consider things before throwing yourself at every man who throws a few compliments your way? i’m sorry that ever since you were born, people told you the only way you can be a worthy member of society is to attract a suitable mate who will dote on you and make you into a trophy to sit on a shelf.
true beauty can’t be seen with the eyes.
you’d be a better person if you believed that.
i make no illusions about my self. i’m not a very attractive person. i often speak too loudly. i’m clumsy when i walk, and i love to mock the dearly held beliefs of others. i’ll never be the kind of person to make you swoon. i’m no different from a billion others even though i try so hard to stand out. i can finally say i’m ok with this. i have not resigned myself to mediocrity for i will be notorious in my own way. i would just love for someone to quiet these insecurities. i pride myself on the ability to make others smile. i wish someone would put forth the effort to do the same for me.
i’m watching my friends rust.
there are some feelings that i can never change. just when i think we’ve grown apart, you show up again. i never know what to say to you. i wish you would display this warmth in person. i know you think of of me more often than you’d like to admit. i’ve gotten too many drunken phone calls to believe differently. either way, i’m not going through this again. i just want to meet someone who won’t lead me on. i told myself i would never compromise again and i’m trying really hard to stick with that. nights here are so boring. i guess it’s no different from home though. it would be so nice to have someone to lay with. i’m tired of sleeping alone. i always have been.
i hate feeling this way. i guess it’s inescapable. females have never done me one bit of good and i doubt they ever will.
it’s been awhile since i posted on here. i’m going to start writing more frequently. it feels so good to be out of johnson city for once. as much as i love the friends i have there, i just can’t help but have certain negative associations with that place. college is going to really well. i’ve met a lot of cool people. i hope that i am starting to create more lasting friendships. my quest this summer to expand my circle of acquaintances was mostly for nought. i just have to keep telling myself that perhaps it’s for the best. it feels so good to be in a location with kindred spirits and to be free from the pressure of living with my parents. that’s been one of the most stressful parts of the past year.
now that i’m away from home, i feel like i can climb out of this shell. in jc, there are maybe 3 people who truly know me. the rest are just strangers with familiar faces. i want to stop compromising. i want to stop biting my tongue before i cleave straight through it. i want to become the compassionate soul i know is inside of me, yet i want my dissatisfactions to have their place at my right hand. it’s tough to say what the next year will hold, but some things still ring true. just because i’m in a different place, doesn’t mean my values have changed. i’m still straight edge. i still love hardcore. still irrreverent, still ill. i’m losing sleep for all the right reasons now.
maybe the time has come for me to start considering dating as an option again. i’ve been pretty jaded on this prospect for the last year or so as i’ve seen nothing but lies and lots of hurt feelings come from any romantic entanglements. i’ve already met some pretty amazing girls here. i have a feeling most of them are out of my league though. anyways…
everyday when i wake up, i’m struck by how great my need for music is. it’s the one thing that never fails to disappoint me.
lately the playlist has been:
Touche Amore, Burzum, Burning Witch, Trapped Under Ice, Karate, Boy’s Life, Animal Collective, Cultist, and Earth.
pretty varied. trying to keep it interesting as college life has its share of monotony.
until another day,
i love and miss you all.
matt zumwalt
xxx
